Everyone knows that divorce is tough, especially on children.
Your parents have made a really big decision not to live together anymore and you may not want this.
Sometimes when parents decide not to live together any more, children can get caught up in taking sides. Children can also feel pressured by one parent to take a side. When this happens children can feel like they have to think and feel the way that parent does, even if doing this doesn’t feel right.
Does this sound like you?
Do I feel like I have to choose between my parents?
If you do, are any of these things happening to you?
- One parent gets annoyed or angry when I pay attention to my other parent
- One parent has asked me to keep secrets from my other parent
- One parent asks me a lot of questions about the time I spend with my other parent
- One parent says nasty things, gets upset or shows not interest when I tell them I’ve had a good time with my other parent
- One parent stops me from talking to my other parent
- One parent tells me things about my other parent that I don’t want to know
- One parent has told me that my other parent doesn’t really love me
- One parent looks sad, angry, or hurt when I leave to be with my other parent
- One parent has asked me to spy on my other parent
- One parent says mean and untrue things about my other parent
- One parent lets me choose whether I want to spend time with my other parent, but I always feel like I have to choose not to see them
- One parent doesn’t want me to have photos of my other parent
- One parent wants me to call my other parent by their name, not mum or dad
- One parent tells me I don’t have to do what my other parent says
- One parent has told me that my other parent is dangerous, but they weren’t dangerous before my parents split up
- One parent doesn’t like my other parent knowing how I’m going at school
- One parent has made me call my step-parent mum or dad
If these things are happening to you, stop and think for yourself.
HERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN DO:
Sometimes when parents feel so hurt by the other parent,
they say hurtful things about them.
But it doesn’t mean these hurtful things are true.
Below are some critical thinking questions that will really make you think about what’s going on in your life right now.
These questions are designed to help you put things into perspective, which will help you make decisions moving forward.
Make sure you have a comfy, quiet and private place to sit down and read.
Ask yourself these questions
- What do I believe?
- Why do I believe it?
- What is actually true?
- What have I seen with my own eyes?
- Is there another way to think about this?
- What is the evidence to support this new way of thinking?
- Could I be mistaken or have been told things that are not true?
- Could I be trying to please one parent over the other?
- Am I free to change my mind?
- What would happen if I stopped believing what one parent has told me?
Here are some more questions to ask yourself. Take your time to really think about them.
- What are my choices?
- What do I think of them?
- What am I being pressured to do?
- What do I think of that option?
- How can I have a relationship with both my parents?
- What do I know to be true about each of my parents?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- What kind of person will I be…
In one year’s time…
In five years’ time…
In 10 years’ time…
…if I am not true to myself?
- What kind of person will I be…
In one year’s time…
In five years’ time…
In 10 years’ time…
…if I am true to myself?
- What kind of relationship do I want with both of my parents?
SELF SUPPORT
How can I support myself?
How you think and what you do affects how you feel. Our minds are always busy. We are always thinking about all sorts of things. Many of our thoughts are about what is going on around us. Some of our thoughts are about:
The way we see ourselves:
I’m no good
I’m ugly
I’m a good son/daughter
How we judge what we do:
I’m hopeless at school
I’m good at sports.
I’m not good at keeping mum happy
Our view of the future:
No one will ever want like me.
I’ll never go to university
I’ll be happy when I’m older
The thoughts we have about ourselves and our future can be:
Automatic – they just happen. They pop up without you having to think of them.
Distorted – when you stop and check you will find that they don’t always fit all the facts.
Continuous – they can’t easily be turned off.
Seem true – even when they’re not
When these thoughts are unhelpful (e.g. I’m no good), they make us feel awful and change the way we behave. Sometimes these thoughts can be influenced by others e.g. I’m only a good person when I do what my parent tells me.
UNHELPFUL THINKING
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Here are some of the unhelpful thinking traps we can fall into:
Negative glasses – when you only see the negatives and ignore the positives. If you have a good time, you will still find things that were wrong and then you only see these negative things.
Positives don’t count – When positive are dismissed. You might have a good day with you parent until you start thinking about all the negative things your other parent has told you about them.
All-or-nothing thinking – When you think everything and everyone is good or bad. There is no in-between. You might think one parent is perfect while your other parent is all bad. You might have an argument with your parent and think you’re a bad son/daughter because you made them mad.
Magnifying the negative – When the importance of things that happen is exaggerated.
Negative events are magnified and blown up out of all proportion.
The mind reader – When you think you know what another person is thinking or feeling about you. You might think you parent doesn’t love you when you have no concrete information to support this.
Fortune-telling – When you think you know what will happen. Like thinking if you see your other parent they will be awful to you, even when you have no concrete information to support this.
Shoulds – When you have rules on how you should behave and how others should behave and when these shoulds don’t happen, you can feel disappointed or angry.
Blame me – When you decide you are to blame for everything that’s gone wrong, even when these things were outside of your control. Like blaming yourself for your parents deciding to split up.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Check for unhelpful thinking traps:
How often do you find yourself looking for the bad things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself looking for the things that go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you ignore or overlook the positive or good things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you play down the positive or good things that happen?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself using all-or-nothing thinking?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you think you know what other people are thinking about you?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you expect things to go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you think that things are not good enough unless they are perfect?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you find yourself thinking that you ‘should’ do this or that?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
How often do you blame yourself for the things that happen or go wrong?
Never Sometimes Often All of the time
When we get stuck in these thinking traps, it’s important we get a more balanced view of what is going on. The following questions might be help you to get a more balance view:
- What evidence is there to support this thought?
- What evidence is there to question this thought?
- What would my best friend say if they heard me thinking in this way?
- What would I say to my best friend if he or she had this thought?
Tips for a healthy headspace
Good mental health allows you to deal with the changes and challenges life throws at you and live your life in a positive and meaningful way. It includes things like being able to work and study, deal with day-to-day life stress, feel connected to others, be involved in activities in your community and ‘bounce back’ when things go wrong.
